struggle comes forth through disobedience

Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. Why is this so hard to understand? The ego loves to get in the way. Satan loves to work through the fears of others. Lord I know what you are guiding me to do, so why do I keep allowing the fear to enter. When I submit to you, others show up and use the same tactics. This is very confusing. For years I understood this as warnings(roadblocks) and I remained put until everyone around me agreed. But this time: I KNOW what needs to be done and I am still struggling. I give you all the doubts and ask for Your protection and guidance especially if I am misunderstanding. Forgive my doubts, they are not in You, they are in my own insecurities that I am not worthy of Your divine wisdom, knowledge and presence. I absolutely positively believe it is You and it has been proven by the removal of Your Grace. THIS IS NOT WORKING AND FEELS LIKE WHAT I IMAGINE HELL TO BE!! I am sorry that I need so much reassurance but You promise that if we ask with pure intention then we will receive. I am asking for Your divine mercy to intercede for YOUR WILL IN MY LIFE. I purely desire to please You alone and have complete faith and trust that this is the only way I can tolerate life itself.

I beg for Your mercy and direction. I believe I am doing what is being asked of me. Forgive my doubts, fears, and weakness. I am nothing without You. I humbly pray for you to support me, reassure me that I am not crazy. Lord I am losing ground and sounding like a babbling fool. How can I serve You this way? I go to your people for answers and there is no one there to answer. I know I am nothing, how can I believe myself? I have to sit here and beg you or sleep until You wake me. I can not do this without You. How can I be so desperate for someone I cant see or touch? I feel like a fool but I can't go back!! It feels like a trap, I don't understand how this works. I just know I have to have You close by. Are you really gonna leave me completely ashamed and empty? I am not angry I am just lost. How am I to learn to follow You if I don't know what to do? Your word shows testing and trials, is this to prove faith in You. Your word says you can read our hearts, then you know I choose You before anything else. I must really have a hard time learning because I don't know what else I need to do. I CHOOSE YOU with or whithout fear, I have no choice but to choose You. Take me Lord if that is what You want. Take whatever You want just don't leave me!!!! Please, Lord You know my heart, I need You. 40 years I am so tired, this never leaves. Please show me what I am doing wrong, please I beg You. I called Your priest You saw me, You know I have been wanting but they always avoid me. I just dont understand. There is nothing I could do to make it different without You leading it, I just dont know enough. I dont assume to know it all, you have not given me this knowledge, how can I change what I dont know?
Satan cant do anything you dont allow him to do. You are all powerful and victorious Lord. What do I do now? I am at your mercy, I cry out to you. Tell me, just tell me, do what you have to do. I am not afraid of anything with You by my side.