Feeling a little lost today and I am pretty sure it is by my own fault this time. I seem to test the waters periodically. I am not sure if I do this out of fear, or if it is just the ego testing out this new peace. I hear the warnings but move forward anyway. Maybe it is just rebellion or satan showing himself. I know that I will continue to make mistakes and this is how I will keep learning. I fear becoming prideful in my faith and I think I jeopardize my spiritual confidence because of this. I need the dependency on my creator and sometimes I think I am just more comfortable when I am needing Him. So, when all is well I tend to mess it up a bit and find myself searching to be back in His arms. I fear that I become so in love with God that people with not understand my position. I am so absolutely sure that the only way to happiness is by being completely dependent on God and completely detached from anything or anyone of this world!! I have come to realize how crazy this sounds to most people. I desire to be used for God's purpose only. I am sure that God has a plan for each and every one of us and it is to fulfill his plan.

Father, I ask you to forgive me for taking risks with my soul. Please forgive me for not being content with whatever position I may find myself in. I thank you for your unconditional love and patience. I am grateful for your holy spirit which guides me daily. I am grateful for your presence and grace that you have blessed me with. I ask you to remove any impurities from my heart, soul and mind. I thank you for the free will to choose and the conscience to recognize!!

movin forward

I am realizing how long it has been since I added any new post. I am glad to report that my journey has continued moving forward. This year has been one of enlightenment, wisdom, knowledge, fulfillment and wholeness. These gifts came through much darkness, a right of passage. Much of the time was spent in what I will describe as marinating. I had no doubts of faith, God's love, forgiveness or mercy. I was very secure in this presence and knew I was being led into something great, yet unknown. The biggest change came when I tried to control things or figure them out with my own knowledge. I would become extremely tired and confused when I attempted to move forward too quickly. I began to trust timing more than ever before and came to know patience. Then I noticed I was less anxious about making decisions and trying to hurry things along.

I have become aware of my emotions, thoughts, and feelings within my mind and within my soul. I realize that much of my confusion comes from the mind as it tries to understand the spirit within. The mind can't understand the relationship between soul and spirit. Spiritual living is not something the mind can comprehend, one must seek God for this fulfillment and understanding.

My absolute best moments are when I know I am completely in God's will. I possess peace, clarity, fulfillment, joy, understanding and His love fills my open heart. I can feel His love radiate through every part of me. These are the days that leave me most satisfied in who I truly am. These are the days that I feel only compassion, understanding, forgiveness and love. I have no desire to be anything other than the person God created me to be. And I only want to accomplish what I have been destined to become.

HOPE

would love to say that i have stumbled upon a new found revelation but NO i didnt. what i see today is that with HOPE life seems brighter. is that circumstancial, yep i think so. when things are looking better for others and i feel lifeless, i am SAD. So sad that life doesnt feel worth living. how is that so? God i wish i knew. all i really know today is that i can see beyond the darkness and i feel HOPE. HOPE that things could work out for the me. that there could be peace without chaos.

Lord, how i love your people. how i dream to touch their lives and hearts and radiate your love through them. All i want is to feel Your touch. Your Presence is so cool yet so warm. like a breath of fresh air filled with purity and power. Your strength i depend on, Your love i desire. i only feel alive when i serve You with my entirety. i aim to please to fill to touch to know. without You in my life is death. Lord keep my heart and desires pure, my focus on Your purpose.

Ponder: hell, i am willing to bet it feels like those days of hopelessness. when i have no desire to continue. when my all wants to give up completely. when the days are too long and the nights too short. when i never want to awaken. that must be hell. hell is not wanting, feeelings of misery and no desire to go forward, no caring for anything but death. hell to me is when living feels worse than dying. hell is feeling punished because i am still alive. what a shameful waste of life. some cry out for more time. only when there is hope do i feel this way.

Father forgive me for wasting precious air and life. so many want more and i sometimes beg to have no more. for give me for not trusting You to get me to the next day. for not understanding the misery and mostly the pain. I pray for that kid we talked about today. who had no one to love him. no one but You. forgive me for complaining, i pray that You intervene and give that child love and vision to see You and Your purpose, because if we are here it is because You have chosen us. send someone to show that child Your light and love and desire to seek You.

new year

I would love to quit thinking and start acting. believe all this thinking is keeping me down. way too serious. time to have some fun. today was a waste. I plan on making tomorrow happen.
clean
organize
throw
no computer, JUST ACTION

disgusted, continued

the day didnt get much better. at least when i am working i dont have to figure out what to do next. wish the rest of it was as easy as looking at an appointment book and doing what comes next. not sure if i am too confused or undecisive to clear the path to what comes next.

choice: enjoy and accept present or hang on to past? what blocks the view of what is in front of us? why cant i see or believe the good that is instead of acknowledging the what could have been or what was?

Lord help me to focus on all the blessings i do have. and to figure out why i keep listening to things i know will continue to haunt and hurt me. choosing to follow the power within. thankful for the spiritual gifts.

ponder: there is no promise of tomorrow so today could be the last to make a difference. how happy i once would have been to possesss half of what i have been given. letting go letting go letting go. God you are the only one powerful enough to accomplish this, only through You can i achieve peace. peace i desire PEACE I DESIRE your help i need.

Disgusted

already, the 2nd day(24hours actually) at trying this and i realize it may never be reality. no time to reflectively blog. appts all day, no afternoon worker, house is a mess, weather is gross, bookwork not began. havent even set up the new system much less implemented. HOW BAD DO I WANT THIS???????????? will only happen if I make it, work at it and use DISCIPLINE........
thinking: need to organize, prioritize, exercise, finalize, declutter, wow where to begin. what can i do right now???????????? go to work and begin appts.. not much else

prayer: Lord help me to see, to slow doen and hear yet to speed up when i dont want to move at all. BALANCE no way i can do this on my own. Father guide m y every thought today, help me make decisions and put them into play. chaos is killing me. You see what is going on where are the boundaries and why cant i seem to be consistent. through your power and mercy and grace touch me today. rescue me from myself. allow me to love someone for your service. fulfill me. give me the courage to make to call, take the risk and follow through with insights.

no time to ponder...............

Stepping out

Today will be a day of moving forward. first step to recreating, eliminating the old to make room for the new. how do we move ahead if we never remove yesterday's clutter. if we continue adding new and never remove old we will never enjoy or appreciate because there will be so much stuff we wont be able to get to anything.

thinking: of a storage room that becomes so cluttered that you cant get in to add anything else so you keep placing stuff at the door. eventually i dont want to think about it or look in there so i put it out of my mind until i need to store something else, and the cycle continues. this clutters my mind also.

action: remove the unused. clear, clean and replace with new gifts.

Pray: Lord help me to think clearly and purely today. to trust, to not fear, not regret. to remember that everything is for only a moment. we are not to hold on to the past and past things as if they are necessary. they are only a part of us and a part of yesterday. holding on too tightly will bind us to hurts and clutter. which in return will keep us STUCKNMOTION.

Ponder: If i am to move forward, i have to begin by eliminating the unnecessary, unused things in my life, to open the space for the new. FEAR is what prevents me from doing this. I fear regret, that i may need it later or someone else may need it. same with the hurts of the past, holding on is not serving a positive purpose, it is only a reminder of what was, or what used to be, or what happened,or what i wont let happen again. using it to remind me not to trust again is not PURE it is POISON. removing it makes room for new. hurt can be replaced by love if i allow it. this will required stepping out of something old into something new.